Adolescence

I liked myself today.
I looked in the mirror, I tried on clothes, and I actually liked myself.
I liked myself – it’s true.

I felt alive too!!
I feel like I’m alive, and even if I’m not, I feel that the now I am experiencing is somehow worth it.

I feel like dancing, running, laughing.
I just feel like a giddy idiot – but an idiot I could actually like you know?
I feel hopeful too.
Like without stopping myself things will loop to the better
That the present – the middle – will sink and just form this perfect parabola.

It is true. Perhaps my mouth will never form that shape. Perhaps I will never be truly happy. But right now, as the rain falls and the light shines
I feel rosy.

Rosy, surprised and flushed.

Thought of food

I felt hungry today, really hungry.
So I buried my head in food.

Now it swims in the viscous skies
Echoes of your lies, goodbyes.

I felt fat today, really fat.
My knees buckled, ashamed
My cancles bellied – defamed.

So I engulfed myself;
Switching between caffeine and dopamine,
Twitching because I am alive and need to be seen.

There are too many things I need today yet
I have no strength, no manner, no way
To achieve my greatest wishes, concerns, to achieve
Even that which I am too young to yearn. Give me a chance,
Give me day. The new year is here my love, and
Sadly my figure seems stubborn to stay.

If I must stand still and firm, make it at least
Bearable.
Take away this urge
And add to me beauty of this sunrise comparable.

Origami.
Eyes red, skin skied.
Fold me
Mold me
A perfect square.

Hold me
Control me
So that I’ll stop, ill stooped.
So that I’m here - quite near - not there.

So that I am here,
And the ladies and gents will gasp and swear
At the sight of me...
Beware.

A short note on bathrooms, lines and feet.

You are a shrub, a cigarette bud – popular amongst the thieves the dark the drugged, the shaded circle – all of the above.

You are white, but the last to be seen of you is black. Smoke rises – dude that is whack.
I have a stain on my bathroom wall. A sterile locale – a place to clean up.
I have a stain on my red bathroom wall.
A flaw.
A reminder that where there is water there is also crap. Where the blemishes are concealed. The only place where my true self – tada – revealed.

The door is locked. Guess what is found inside?
Knock knock
Rapity rap rap rap
No answer.

What did you expect after a night like that?
You may bang at it all you like. There are no shortcuts, no sliding doors.

I’m sorry sir, but I will have to please ask you to wait at the end of the line.
And what a long line indeed – the family cry, and beg, and plead.
But still I stand and rise above from that rotten tub,
I stand and stare as filth is scrubbed.

There is a black stain in my swollen carcass. Double chambered, and pumping blood.
It keeps me alive
The darkness, it keeps me well, it keeps me immune,
It keeps me dumb.

Eye on the clock.
Door – did it finally yield? Unlock.

A smile steps out barefoot.
Apologize, apology – I must have nodded off. Apology apologize - for the heat, the smell, whatnot.

Please come again

Relationship – code for feeling like a complete idiot half the time. I don’t like being an idiot. I spend half of my days and most of my nights studying so that I won’t think and keep myself contained. I spend most of my life studying to get into college because if only I were surrounded by people who are smart, and I keep the conversation going, understand and get them, if only. Then, I too must be smart. I too, contrary to much of what I have been told, am not an idiot.

But I do I feel like an idiot now. Deluded and misguided by the wonderful world of lies. Foolish and mislead by lies, by lies, by lies. I hate lies. I do not ask for much. The only thing I need is honesty, and you cannot even give me that? The only thing I ask of you is honesty and yet you can look me in the face and lie. Was it not I who was yellow? And rotten, and cold? Was it not mine the distant watch, the ticking clock?

Smile. Smile. Good morrow!

Oh forgive my manners, I forgot to introduce you to the woman of the manner. I must be out of my mind. This here is the incognita Miss Moraes. Do not worry, she cannot hear you, her brain went splat last summer. And there, in the corner, no no, more to the left. Ai, now that she turned it seems it is not. Well I am not quite sure where she is, but she is wearing white. If you find her and need me to properly introduce, it is Lady Legitimacy I talk about. Such a wonderful woman. I would have given anything to give her a tap, but she is hard to find these days...

Ah yes, you are probably right. She must be out snogging some stranger; some shady sap, with his head so far up his ass that his insides are meshed and crap.

Can you not see that if you cannot be true, you cannot be anything at all? I don’t understand you. Light the thread - show me dynamite. Make me feel, implode. I implore of thee. Shake me up for I quite dislike this version of reality. Prove me wrong. Please. Prove to me that you are not the walls to my box. Or, if you must be, then let you at least be concrete. Prove to me that someday my room won’t come tumbling down, that I won’t be squashed, that I won’t become a tightly packed piece of baggage: a stomped tiny thing, a stress with a zipper, bouncing front and back whilst you go off and have fun, until one day I carry too much. And Bam. The suitcase is no use now, no need to be sad. Discart it! It was a leap away from happening anyhow.

No worries. No regrets. No problems.

Down the corridor to the left, then yes, left again, you’ll see it, the store, open 24.

Smile. Smile. Good morrow!
Suitcase? Backpack? Briefcase? Okay, just at the back.
Oh nice choice, the leather. And it is your lucky day. See that stain? It won't go away. But I'll get you a good price for that. Just $9, 99 and I'll even through in the matching hat.

No. Laughs, Laughs.
Thank you! Hair twirl --
Please come again.